to be a (white)(cis)(ablebodied)(college graduate & graduate student) broke & bipolar lesbian

by sidney wegener (she/they)

10/8/20
(7:47am)

did i forget to eat again (audre lorde wrote)

rage sits in my stomach
i want to taste it
i want my body to want to eat.

audre lorde wrote, when you are hungry / learn to eat / whatever sustains you until morning

i wonder if something is eating me from the inside out
i wonder if it’s hand stitched barbie clothes
i wonder if it’s mud soup
i wonder if rotting truths are hollowing me.

audre lorde wrote, do not let your head deny / your hands / any memory
of what passes through them

the flesh fell off and the bones are eroding
there is rage in my marrow but
i don’t want to be responsible
for destruction anymore.

audre lorde wrote, everything can be used / except what is wasteful / (you will need to
remember this when you are accused of destruction)

i wonder if i was ever not destructive
i wonder if i am useful or wasteful.

audre lorde wrote, respect whatever pain you bring back / from your dreaming

i bring rage with me to greet dawn
i dream of a body as full as the sky.

[1]


10/13/20
(9:03am)


sometimes i think i might scream

i want to yell at the next person
who says being gay is cool

i am about to start a fire in my belly
i am about to retch flames

anger builds and boils and
the fury of a lesbian should be feared.

i want to stand up and cry while
i lay it all out at your feet

there is a rage that rests at
the bottom of my throat and

a match at the tip of my tongue
with teeth ready to spark.

i want to shed my layers and
present my bones to the sunrise

melt the morning down to a
puddle of sweat and blood as

to be renamed is to never know yourself and

to be reborn is to die over and over again.

trigger warning for content below: discussion of violence and murder committed against Black trans women in the united states during 2020.

WITHIN THE FIRST 7 MONTHS OF 2020, MORE TRANS WOMEN HAVE BEEN MURDERED THAN THE TOTAL NUMBER IN 2019 IN THE U.S..

REST IN POWER AND PEACE TO SOME OF THE BLACK TRANS WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN MURDERED, OR SUSPECTED MURDER, IN 2020:

BROOKLYN SMITH, FELYCYA HARRIS, MONIKA DIAMOND, NINA POP, RIAH MILTON, DOMINIQUE “REM’MIE” FELLS, ALEXA NEULISA LUCIANO RUIZ, YAMPI MÉNDEZ AROCHO, JOHANNA METZGER, PENÉLOPE DÍAZ RAMÍREZ, LAYLA PELÁEZ SÁNCHEZ, SERENA ANGELIQUE VELÁZQUEZ RAMOS, HELLE JAE O’REGAN, JAYNE THOMPSON, SELENA REYES HERNANDEZ, BRAYLA STONE, MERCI MACK, SHAKI PETERS, BREE “NUK” BLACK, SUMMER TAYLOR, DRAYA MCCARTY, TATIANA HALL, MARILYN CAZARES, TIFFANY HARRIS, QUEASHA D. HARDY, AJA RAQUELL RHONE-SPEARS. THESE ARE ONLY SOME OF THE BLACK TRANS WOMEN MURDERED OR SUSPECTED TO BE MURDERED IN 2020. [2]

a couple resources for transgender allies and transgender people:

“52 Things You Can Do for Transgender Equality”
Mental Health Resources (Counseling, Safe Spaces) for Transgender People

Endnotes

[1] Excerpts from poems in Audre Lorde’s The Black Unicorn: “A Litany for Survival” and “For Each of You,” which are available as individual pieces online.

[2] NCTE, “Murders of Transgender People in 2020 Surpasses Total for Last Year in Just Seven Months.” National Center for Transgender Equality. Published August, 2020. https://transequality.org/blog/murders-of-transgender-people-in-2020-surpasses-total-for-last-year-in-just-seven-months . Trigger warning for addressing trans violence. There is no way to include every murder of Black trans women in the United States due to serveral factors, including, but not limited to: deadnaming (using a transgender person’s legal or birth-given name) trans women in news/media coverage, denial of foul play in instances of death amongst Black trans women, and a lack of ability to identify Black trans women who are murdered.

sidney is a second year student in the women’s history masters program at sarah lawrence college where they are investigating the role that interracial relationships between incarcerated women in the United States during the early twentieth century played in the historical development and establishment of lesbian (sub)cultures.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.